I don’t recommend learning this the way I did. November 13th, 2002… was sunny, and a little cold, otherwise, it was a day like any other day. I went to my office and as l often did, I prepared the syllabus for my clients who were coming for the training that day at 3 pm. The class began on schedule, and at 3:30… I felt a pain in my gut, unlike any I had previously experienced… any. I wanted to double over and before I did, I said to my assistant… “I need an ambulance… take over.” I was able to make it to my partners’ office and lie down on his sofa… someone had called the ambulance and I could hear the sirens as it approached. Fellow company employees were concerned and asking if there was anything they could do for me. The ambulance arrived and the EMTs asked me how I was doing and I remember saying “I’m not sure about my body but I am grateful…” I had this calm come over me, this feeling that this was a watershed moment in my life, a forest fire or flood like… to wash away everything that came before and to usher in new growth. As the word grateful came out of my mouth, the EMTs looked at each other and I’m sure were thinking “besides the emergency room, this guy needs a shrink.” Oxygen mask, some quick meds… whatever the hospital or doctor they called recommended and off to the ambulance.
I was 45 miles from home at my second office and so I was taken to Waltham Hospital in Waltham Mass… and I didn’t care… the thought never occurred to me about being close to my Beverly roots… and so this new journey began.
The Doctor told me I should plan on an extended stay later that evening when he came to Intensive Care… I thought “oh, most people are out in three days, so maybe seven…” (little did I know)… I said to him “I’m having hallucinations, red and green lace scrolling up and down the floors and walls… what did they give me…?” He said “Morphine…” Me… “please change that…”
Morphine should have been a clue… on day five, 11/18/2002 Intensive Care, I was in and out of consciousness… two friends were visiting… one moment I was with them and the next… pure consciousness as Deepak Chopra has called it. No-body, only consciousness… there was a life review and only the good I had done was mentioned, only the lives I had touched. Next, I was asked a question … “Stay or Go?”
My Consciousness replied “Thy will be done…” and I surrendered into whatever was next. I was back in Intensive Care… later I remember my friends coming back to visit and nothing was said. I was stunned. Back in my body, it was the first time I could string the events together. I remember thinking “what was that…?”
It unlike any dream… so vivid, so real… and I had no-body. Til this day, I remember that day 17 years ago now… like it was yesterday or even five minutes ago.
Here is a recap of what I learned and how amazing this Universe is.
1. What we come from and what we return to is Pure Consciousness. I remember knowing I was one with everything and nothing all at the same time.
2. There was nothing from here there… Nothing we value here was there. No mention of the jobs I had, the titles… the books written, the houses owned, nothing, “no-thing” I valued in my little ego, acorn brain, (as I now call it) was there. The Infinite is not concerned with religion, with the sexes, race or nationality, … nothing from here, from Earth, all we think is important was there. I was one with what flung the stars into space. All the striving I did while in my body was gone and I didn’t even once think about anything from my time on earth. I was now one with the Infinite (I’ll say, God). Nothing that is small-minded is from the Infinite… from God or the Goddess or the Divine or the Buddha or Mohammed or the Christ… it had no name as Lao Tzu said in the Tao Te Ching… “The name that can be named is not the enduring and unchanging name. (Conceived of as) having no name, it is the Originator of heaven and earth;”
3. Anger, vengeance, revenge, discrimination, sexism, racism, gossip, anything that is small-minded is the realm of the human and not of God. Nothing small-minded was there… everything was one… no division as we have here on Earth… there was no male, no female, no religion, no nationalities, no race, “no-thing” from here… nothing. As I speculate on that day… I realize it is our job to overcome all small-minded thinking … that is our job, our growth, our learning.
4. There was only one moment. This moment. I could not string the events together until I was back in my body. I call it the now on steroids. There was a now and a now and a now and it would have gone on forever, except for the moment I surrendered, when I was asked by consciousness “stay or go?” with the thought “thy will be done.” Once back in my body, again there was the past and the future as well as the now. The Divine or God is in the now with us… never separate from us… we separate ourselves from the Divine with acorn brain thoughts… when we learn to have total surrender to the moment, the now, as Eckhart Tolle says, “some people think reality is nuts…” and “when we fight life, life fights us…” There was pure consciousness, being there… then a life review and then the question “stay or go?”… only the now was there… it was the greatest gift to me … to recognize that the Divine is always in the now as it was when I had “no-body”, only consciousness. Until the moment of my surrender to “thy will…” I had spent most of my 50 years in the past and or in the future. Did I have some moments in the now? Yes and I spent most of my time regretting some past mistakes or a perceived wrong choice or in the future hoping for something new… or not happy in the moment because I was hoping for that new future. I can clearly see the difference now… presence in the moment has made a big difference in my life.
Surrender is not a weakness, it is acceptance of what is here already. The moment may not be in your plans and as Eckhart Tolle also says “oh, this must be the plan.” To surrender to “this must be the plan” means you accept the moment as it is and that is mindfulness.
Since that day, November 18th, 2002, I spend most of my time in the moment and that presence has allowed a completely new life to unfold. The life I was dreaming of, the life I wanted every day before my 50th birthday.
Experiment for yourself, become more present and mindful, surrender to what is and watch and see if what you only dream of today manifests. It will, and don’t take my word for it.
What I want for you is to avoid my years of frustration, bitterness, and anger over what was and just accept what is here now gleefully. Don’t wait for the ambulance.
In case you are wondering, a calcium deposit had blocked my pancreatic duct and it led to acute necrotizing pancreatitis and a 100 day journey on and off in hospitals.
Gratefully yours, Steve
